Tag: forgiveness

What is Forgiveness?

forgive-on-stonesPsychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Many of us feel that when we forgive somebody, we’re doing them a favor. Perhaps they’ve changed, or apologized, or maybe we feel that we made them suffer enough. The reality is, that the main beneficiary of forgiveness is the forgiver.

Every time we harbor ill will, a hateful feeling, or persistent negativity towards someone we do harm to ourselves. When we remember the wrongs done to us, we dwell on the ill feelings about those who hurt us. We relive those negative emotions, suffering past pain all over again, this process can affect us not only emotionally but eventually even physically, manifesting itself through our bodies and our health.

To forgive is not always easy, at times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. However, it is the most important single process that brings peace to our soul, harmony to our life and allows us freedom from the weight of our suffering which in turn brings peace of mind.

So how to forgive a wrong? It isn’t easy, it goes against our human nature. Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. Here are some ideas:

  • Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
  • Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
  • Actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you, when you’re ready
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
  • As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt, you might even find compassion and understanding.

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace, forgiveness can lead to:

  • Healthier relationships
  • Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • Stronger immune system
  • Improved heart health
  • Higher self-esteem

There is no guarantee that the offending party will reciprocate, however for you this is the beginning of a positive change in your life.

Forgiveness improves our health, the benefits of forgiveness seem to come largely from its ability to reduce negative affect such as feelings of tension, anger, depression and fatigue.

Forgiveness makes us happier, forgiving others can make people feel happy, especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.

Forgiveness boosts kindness and connectedness, those who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them, they are also more likely to volunteer for a good cause and they feel more connected to other people in general.

As Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said: ” Forgiveness is the path to true enduring peace.”

The Bell Rope

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.”

corrietenboom

During World War II, Corrie ten Boom and her family helped Jews in Holland escape the Nazis. She and her family were taken to the Ravensbrück concentration camp when it was discovered that they were hiding Jews. Her sister and father died in the camp, but Corrie survived and was miraculously released which enabled her to tell her story.

One day, many years later she wrote the following:

“Forgiveness is like letting go of a bell rope. If you have ever seen a country church with a bell in the steeple, you will remember that to get the bell ringing you have to pull the rope for awhile, after the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. Once it has begun to ring, you merely maintain the momentum. As long as you keep pulling, the bell keeps ringing. Once you let go of the rope, the bell will continue ringing, momentum is still at work. However, the bell will begin to slow and eventually stop”.

“I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness. When you forgive someone, you take let go of the rope. But if you’ve been tugging at your grievances for a long time, you mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for awhile. After all, they have lots of momentum. But if you affirm your decision to forgive, that unforgiving spirit will begin to slow and will eventually be still. Forgiveness is letting go of the “rope” of retribution.”

Corrie Ten Boom (1892 – 1983)

Did Someone Hurt You?

Someone hurt you, maybe yesterday, maybe a lifetime ago, and you cannot forget it.  The hurt went deep, and it keeps on hurting you now. You are not alone. We all muddle our way through a world where even wellmeaning people hurt each other.
When we invest ourselves in deep personal relationships, we often open ourselves to hurt. Forgiveness is God’s invention for coming to terms with a world in which, despite their best intentions, people are unfair to each other and hurt each other deeply. He began by forgiving us. And He invites us all to forgive each other. – Lewis B. Smedes

The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.   —Marianne Williamson